Letter of “Recommendation”

Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee?

For the chronically absent:
“A man like him is hard to find.”
“It seemed her career was just taking off.”

For the office drunk:
“I feel his real talent is wasted here.”
“We generally found him loaded with work to do.”
“Every hour with him was a happy hour.”

For an employee with no ambition:
“He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in.”
“You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you.”

For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
“I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.”

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
“I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of
employment.”
“All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or
recommend him too highly.”

For a stupid employee:
“There is nothing you can teach a man like him.”
“I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications
whatsoever.”

For a dishonest employee:
“Her true ability was deceiving.”
“He’s an unbelievable worker.”