Great Real Estate Euphemisms
It’s always important to stay positive when trying to sell. Here are some cliched classic examples of how that’s done.
• Old charmer – an old and ugly house
• Stunning house – the house is not ugly
• Tudor – two bedrooms are in the attic which is not insulated; very hot in summer and very cold in winter
• Cape Cod – styled after Third World slum dwellings
• Sunny corner lot – noisy intersection of two busy streets
• Easy freeway access – noisy arterial street close to freeway
• Low maintenance lot – no yard; the kids will have to play in the street
• Meticulously maintained in the original condition – the appliances are 50 years old
• Ready to remodel – the house is about to collapse; you will have to invest twice the asking price in remodel before you can move in
• Newly remodeled kitchen – 50-year old cabinetry and faucets have been replaced with cheap modern equivalents
• Ready to move in – the interior has been painted with one coat of cheap paint
• Desirable neighborhood – this little house is extravagantly overpriced because the neighborhood has a snobbish reputation
• 1-car garage – you can drive your Ford Escort into the garage but there is no room to open the door
• In-city living – it is not safe to walk in this neighborhood after dark
• Recreation room with wet bar – basement has been painted and has a faucet
• Large family room – large basement
• Bedroom in basement – basement has a 1′ by 2′ window
• Lots of storage space – basement too small to be called a family room
• Partial mountain view – you can see the tip of Mt. Olympus if you climb the roof
• Territorial view – good view of your neighbor’s bedroom window
• Build sweat equity – the house is not inhabitable
• Storybook – the house is old and the roof is not flat
• Efficiently designed kitchen – the kitchen is too small to fit two people at the same time
